新东方雅思培训 从0基础突破6.5

  下面新东方网雅思频道为大家整理了雅思写作修改实例:语言减少的利害(樊黎明),供考生们参考,以下是详细内容。

  作文标题:剑9 P102

  Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.

  To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

  There is no denying that several languages die out (1) in the past few years. (2) (3) Some people pay little attention to it and even regard this phenomenon as reduction of burden. (4) But for me, the disadvantages of losing this kind of culture (5) overweigh (6) the advantages.

  1. 注意时态。in the past… years这个时间状语通常是跟往常完成时连用的。

  2. There is no denying that这个句子套用得不好,有模板之嫌。能够改为:It has been reported that…/ Researches have indicated that…这样的句型。

  3. 下面是引用人们的观念,中间加上表示转折的衔接词,比如however。

  4. reduction of burden过于笼统,表达的信息还不如

  5. lose的明明是语言,怎么成了culture了?

  6. 注意“超越”是用outweigh. 么有overweigh这个词,overweight是形容词表示“超重的”。

  MODEL ANSWER:

  It has been reported that several minority languages become extinct each year. However, some people are indifferent to this phenomenon, holding that it can reduce the barrier between people from different cultures. From my point of this view, the negative effets of this trend far outweigh the convenience that it may bring.

  Obviously, the whole world tends to become more united and cooperated, (7) which results in convergence of different cultures. (8) Many countries introduce foreign culture even language (9)(10) throwing away their own ones to get involved in (11) globalization. Though traditional languages die out (12) with old generations passing away, several areas attain economic progress (13) and narrow the gap (14) between industrialized nations (15) by such extreme way of learning, which do make residence (16) live more easily. (17)

  7. cooperated只是cooperate的过去式和过去分词。形容词是cooperative。

  8. 注意中心句的写法。你这段是要招认小语种消失带来的益处,所以要把论点放在第一句。

  MODEL ANSWER:

  Admittedly, the reduction in the number of languages may bring the world closer, which will result in the assimilation of different cultures.

  9. language和culture都是可数名词,不能单独运用,表示泛指的时分要加s。

  10. 后面的往常分词和前面的句子缺乏逻辑上的联络词作衔接。能够加上一个while。

  11. 能够改用embrace.

  12. 注意时态。这里应该运用往常完成时。

  13. 典型Chinglish。改为economic progress has been attained.

  14. 注意逻辑主语的问题。你这里的主语应该是前面的一整句话,而不应该是这里的areas。把and及后面的部分改为非限制性定语从句,which has narrowed the gap between…

  15. 为何仅仅减少工业化国度之间的差距?应该是between industrialised and developing countries.

  16. “居民”是residents。residence是寓居地的意思。

  17. 从by开端我就完全没有看懂。为什么要说“极端的学习办法”?标题中有讲过?上文有说过?这个跟学习没啥关系吧。另外,使得国度兴隆为什么使人们生活变得愈加容易?你是想说improve people’s living standard吧?

  【段落点评】本段你想说的是语言的减少给经济带来的益处。可是你一半的篇幅在讲这个现象,而不是它形成的影响。

  For (18) my way of thinking, however, the disappearing of minor languages (19) is a great loss for all human beings. Language, (9) as one kind of (20) precious heritage, was created and improved by older generations. It is an invaluable fortune given by (21) ancestors. By keeping giving it vitality, people can make use of it to create more fortunes both mentally and physically to make life much more easier. (22)Language (9) is more than its definition. Various languages have specific speaking systems, (23) which are involved in (24) thinking, expression and even every aspect of life. So from this perspective, people will not live as easily as expected. (25) A nation without its own language is like a three (26) living without roots. Moreover, language (9) is also a considerable (27) element of culture image, (28) which is becoming increasingly important globally.(29) Only countries possessing fascinating (30) power both in economics (31) and culture can convince the world that it is a nation with outstanding competence.

  18. 注意搭配。应该是from.

  19. 注意选词。应该是minority languages.

  20. 改用a kind of就能够了,没必要强调one。

  21. give这个词太低级,而且与下文重复。改为passed down from传承。

  22. 怎么又来这句话了?稍微详细一些。

  23. “言语系统”叫discourse system。

  24. 这里应该是主动语态吧?

  25. 不晓得你想表达什么?怎么一会儿使生活变得愈加容易,这里又变得不容易了?这里为什么说生活会变得不容易?

  26. 注意拼写。

  27. 为什么说“语言是文化形象的大量元素”?注意搭配啊。

  28. 注意是cultural image.

  29. 这个从句你想表达什么?语言很重要?这么笼统的话,怎么能作分论点?

  30. 注意搭配,怎么能说“诱人的力气”?可用enormous/ considerable。

  31. economics是经济学的意思。应该是economy.

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